Stepfamilies

Things have gone off the rails. A crisis has hit you like a bomb. You didn't see it coming, you have no idea what is happening next and you can't even work out which way is up. No, you aren't a victim of a terrorist attack - this is merely a snapshot of your every-day-garden-variety stepfamily knocked sideways by a ‘surprise attack' by an ex-partner - and could be just one of the many issues you are forced to face on a daily basis.

Turning to friends won't help - they don't understand; your mother freaks out each time you mention your stepchildren because she can't handle the situation…and you can't get an appointment with your therapist for the next six weeks! While you might feel like you want to curl up and die, the fact remains that the rest of the world (not least of which is your loving hubby) needs you! So how do you handle yourself and your family through this??

Here's a few tips that might help:

1. First of all get back some control. Part of the reason you feel so off-balance could be because you have handed more than a reasonable share of control to the other party. Now is the time to sit down and discuss or list the things over which you do have control and those over which you don't. Loosely, the things you tend to have control over are what goes on in your home. The things you don't have control over are what happens outside your door. You need to start fiercely guarding what is important to you and learn to let the other stuff go. Let your family in on what is expected of them and trust that the rest will take care of itself – at least for now.

2. Set some boundaries. Consider this step as crucial to whether you remain married to your new love, or become yet another statistic. The strategy of flying by the seat of your pants works well until the seams come apart. You don't necessarily want a militant camp in operation, but everyone is entitled to know the rules. Sit down with your partner and perhaps with the older children and clarify what's important to you (and what isn't) …and draw the line in the sand. You cannot change your ex, but you can change the way in which you respond to him or her. Setting boundaries really helps with this process. If your ex partner or your partner’s ex has succeeded in manipulating you all hours of the day and night, it could well be because you have failed to complete the step of focusing on what is important to you. If you have done that but you still feel manipulated, it’s likely that you haven't yet transformed your thoughts into actions. Do it now! Any antics or tantrums observed from behind your boundaries are far less likely to cause you concern and, therefore, you are far less likely to react. All parents know that tantrums, from anyone, are best ignored!

3 Establish the communication route - and stick with it. Contact could be made at a suitable time on a mobile, via email or text message, through a letter, on the telephone, face-to-face at exchanges (not recommended for touchy issues) or through your solicitor. You will need to work out what is best for your situation and make a commitment to stick with it. Each of these methods have their advantages and disadvantages, but whatever method you choose, use it and don't stray from it once you’ve decided on what is less likely to cause you disruption and inconvenience. Having informed the ex of this he or she will then know what is and isn't acceptable in terms of communication. Call the shots here and respect your new partner's right to a 'less-stress' existence.

4. Develop strong self-discipline. Dwelling on, brooding over and obsessing about your ex and what he/she does or doesn’t do is not healthy. It is important to discipline yourself not to over-indulge in negative thoughts about them as this will only make your ex appear an even greater monster in your head. Exercising self-discipline helps you stop resentment and anger from building up. Without using discipline in this area you may become stuck to a point at which you won't recognise yourself. This is dangerous as it can cause you to become prone to episodes of anxiety, paranoia and possibly, depression! Keep yourself confined to a predetermined time each day at which you allow yourself to think of or discuss the ex. By doing this you will not only be more able to focus on the situation at hand (your kids need you!), but you will eventually perfect the art of keeping your ex partner out of your daily experience - both physically and spiritually. With some practice you will find that your they will only be able to come in on your terms and upon your invitation.

5. Focus on the here and now. Find joy in everything you do. This is an important part of the healing process. You can't think too far ahead and it doesn't help to look back. If you are able to focus on the ‘here and now’, you will be less likely to fuel resentment. The benefits of this will be evident in everything you do. Like a fingerprint, resentment lingers, and unfortunately shows on every inch of us because we tend to be more transparent than we think. Focusing on today and the things that matter right now are resentment's natural enemies.

6. Stop comparing !! You do not honour your relationship if compare your current situation to what you had before or what your husband had before you. We all come with some emotional baggage and members of stepfamilies are way over the baggage limits, anyhow. Remind yourself often of why you love your partner; why you are together; what your common goals are and what is important to both of you. Comparisons aren't fair and aren't productive. Accept your choices and rejoice in the fact that you've been able to start afresh - albeit under different circumstances.