HOW
HEALTHY ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES?
COMMON BOUNDARY MISCONCEPTIONS:
* Unless I focus on others and put their needs and
wants first, I am being selfish.
* I need to keep everyone happy.
* If I show others who I really am, they won’t like me any
more.
* Unless I constantly give and do things for others, I am
not valuable or worthwhile.
BOUNDARY TRUTHS:
SELF-FOCUS DOES NOT EQUAL SELFISHNESS:
Many people believe that focusing on our own thoughts,
feelings and behaviours is a sign of selfishness. If this is
our assumption we’ll be inclined to focus on other’s
(possible) thoughts, (potential) feelings and (likely)
behaviours instead of our own. When our boundaries are weak
or blurred this can easily become our general way of being.
The more our focus shifts from our own thoughts, feelings
and behaviours onto those of other people, the more we will
be liable to define ourselves by what they think, feel and
how they are behaving towards us. So, in order to do be
liked, fit in, be acceptable to them we become very adept at
tuning into them rather than into ourselves and seeking to
please them at all costs. When we do this it means that we
allow OTHERS to determine what we will think, how we will
feel and what we are going to do. This is most likely to
happen if we hold any of the following relational fears:
* If I don’t do what s/he wants, s/he won’t like me
anymore…will ignore me… might talk about me behind my
back…might never forgive me…
* If I say “no” s/he’ll get really angry…will shout at
me…call me nasty names…blame me for his/her unhappiness…will
retaliate…might punish me…OR
* Be terribly hurt…feel rejected or abandoned…might lose
trust in me…will think that I don’t love him/her…that I
don’t approve of him/her….
* If I disagree, they’ll never ask me anything again….think
me impolite…think I’m stupid…believe that I want to pick a
fight…etc.
The more we allow these fears to control our actions, the
more we tend to lose ourselves. This means that sooner or
later we will no longer know who we are. We will no longer
know what WE believe, what WE are thinking and feeling and
what WE want or need. So, in essence we sacrifice our
authentic self on the altar of our perception (or the
reality) of what other’s want or need us to be. Having made
that sacrifice, however, does not stand us or our loved ones
in good stead as we expend our energy seeking to become
someone we were never meant to be. In the process we are
likely to become overwhelmed, feel trapped and exhausted and
terribly resentful of those to whom we have given such
control over us.
WE CAN ONLY BE RESPONSIBLE FOR OURSELVES:
If we have healthy boundaries we know that our lives are
our own responsibility. This remains true from the moment we
reach the age of reason to the moment we die. If we hold the
belief that it is another person’s job to meet all our
needs, supply all our wants and be the ones that ‘make us
feel’ okay we can be sure that we have a boundary problem.
This is also true if we find that we constantly blame others
for how we feel, what we think or how we behave. Some
thoughts that are typical if our boundaries are less than
intact could be: “If only he were different, I could finally
be happy”. “If she would just do it my way, I wouldn’t be so
angry all the time”. “If it wasn’t for the fact that this or
that person is spoiling my life, the world would be a
terrific place.”
Just as we are responsible for our own lives, so others are
responsible for theirs and equally have no right to blame US
for THEIR thoughts, feeling and actions. Having said that, I
want to make it quite clear that whilst we are not
responsible FOR another person (except for our children
whilst they are small) we do have a definite responsibility
TO them. And this means that we are responsible for the way
we think and feel about them as well as the attitude and the
behaviour we display towards them. We carry the
responsibility for:
*
How we interact with our partner/children/parents/fiends.
* How we respond to them in conflict situations (as well as
any other situations).
* How well we protect our boundaries from our
partners/children/parents/friends should they ignore them.
* How clearly we verbalise our limits and how consistently
enforce them should they be disregarded.
* How well we respect our partner’s/children’s/parent’s
boundaries and limits if they should put some in place with
us.
This, however, is where our responsibility begins and ends.
Just as others are not responsible for our thoughts,
feelings and behaviours so we are not responsible for
theirs. We are not responsible for ‘rescuing’ them from the
consequences of their actions and we are not responsible for
‘fixing’ all the problems we might perceive they have. This
doesn’t mean, however, that we cannot ask for their support
or that we should not support them. Quite the contrary,
feeling supported by and being supporting of someone we love
is one of the greatest joys that comes with relationship.
Teaching, guiding and nurturing are some of the
responsibilities we have to our children. Honour and respect
are some of the responsibilities we have to our parents.
Love and fidelity are some of the responsibilities we have
to our partners. One of the responsibilities we have to
ourselves is to figure out who we are and how we fit into
this world; what treasures belong within our boundary lines
and how WE can nurture and express the wonderful gifts and
talents that are part of those internal treasures. Learning
to respect and nurture ourselves rather than expecting
someone else to do this for us is another step towards
becoming authentic.
THE POWER LIES WITHIN US:
Each and every one of us is very powerful whether we
know it or not. If we have healthy boundaries we know that
this power, used appropriately, isn’t something to be afraid
of but is a healthy and positive force that can propel us
towards achieving the things that are important in life. In
order to avoid misusing our power we need to remember that
we only have the right to exercise it within our own
boundary limitations. This means that we do not have the
right to use it to coerce others in a quest to change them.
We do, however, have the right to use our power to:
* Become authentic – find out who we really are when
no-one is looking.
* Be truthful to ourselves and to others – about who we
really are (warts and all).
* Give ourselves permission to be imperfect – know that we,
just like the rest of the population, have faults and won’t
always get everything right.
* Accept ourselves despite those faults – don’t beat
ourselves up mercilessly, instead see our mistakes as
valuable learning experiences.
* Be non-judgmental – accept that others also have faults
and make mistakes.
* Trust ourselves – know that we have the ability to
implement helpful and self-empowering change.
* Trust others – know that they are equally able to make
empowering changes to and for themselves.
* Change our thoughts, our expectations, our attitude, our
responses, our behaviour, our limits and our choices if we
find that our current ones aren’t as healthy as they could
be.
* Forgive people who have failed or injured us.
* Ask forgiveness from those whom we have failed or injured.
* Forgive ourselves.
* Let go and move on.
IT’S THE MOTIVE THAT COUNTS:
I guess we all know people who are busy from the crack of
dawn into the depth of night working, striving,
helping…always doing things for other people. There is
nothing wrong with this as long as this constant ‘doing’ is
motivated by the desire to bless and isn’t driven –
* By the misconception that would have us believe:
“Unless I always do something for others, I am worthless”;
“To be good/acceptable/selfless I always have to put other’s
needs before my own”, “If I give, I’ll get in return”.
* By the desire to flee from the emptiness of our own lives
rather than taking charge of seeking personal fulfillment.
* By the urge to escape from the problems in our own homes
rather than doing whatever it takes to deal with them.
* By the compulsion to fix other people’s problems in order
to escape from the need to look at our own.
If the motive for our frenetic busyness is any one or all of
the above, then we’ll find that we are not really ‘doing’
for others, but are serving ourselves in a convoluted kind
of way. We can test whether serving others is the real
motive by checking in with our expectations. If we always
expect something in return, whether this is something
tangible as in being admired by all - “Oh, you are such a
wonderful, selfless, amazing person” or intangible as in “if
I do this for him, he’ll have to do that (whatever that may
be) for me” - I’m not ’giving’ or ‘doing’ something from a
healthy motive. If our ‘giving’ and ‘doing’ is motivated by
fear as in - “if I don’t do this, she won’t love me any
more” or “I’ll get into such trouble if I don’t……” - our
motive is equally unhealthy. In such cases it would be much
more honest if we didn’t do ‘it’ (whatever it is) at all.
Isn’t that selfish? you might ask. Well, if our motive isn’t
pure and we don’t get the consciously or subconsciously
desir ed results, we will end up resentful, twisted and
bitter. Sometimes we will take our hurt feelings out on
someone else, perhaps the person we were trying to help.
Sometimes we take it out on omeone who has nothing to do
with the situation (like kick the cat) and in many cases we
will just take it out on ourselves. If this occurs it is
important that we ask ourselves: ‘Who has benefited from our
‘giving’ and ‘doing’? and draw some important and empowering
conclusions for the answer.
This is not to say that we should never ‘give’ or ‘do’ what
we don’t necessarily want to give or do. Life is full of
situations that require sacrifice. When we face such a
situation what we should be sure of, however, is that we do
if from the motive of love. Not because we want to ‘win
brownie points’, not because we are afraid, not because we
think that if we give, we’ll get something in return, but
because we have made the choice to give regardless. When we
give in this way, we retain our integrity and do not lose
our internal freedom.
WE ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE:
I know that this statement is particularly difficult to
comprehend. How, one might ask, do I have a choice when I
feel so trapped in a situation that isn’t of my own making?
It is true that we have no choice as far as the
circumstances life throws at us are concerned. It is true
that sometimes we dislike any of the choices that are
available to us. It is also true, however, that we have the
choice of how we respond to any circumstances life presents
us with, no matter how difficult they may be. Whenever I
speak about our freedom of choice, Victor Frankl comes to
mind. A prominent Viennese Psychiatrist who happened to have
the misfortune of being a member of the Jewish race during
Hitler’s Regime he, along with millions of other Jews was
sent to a Concentrating Camp in which he lost his entire
family. He, like the other Jewish people of his time, was
stripped of everything he had – his family, his profession,
his possessions, his dignity, his freedom. Many others by
whom he was surrounded in the Concentration Camp were unable
to deal with this terrible and inhumane treatment. Grief
stricken by their horrible fate, weakened by malnourishment,
wracked by sickness and disease one day they simply laid
down and died. For whatever reason Victor Frankl, however,
decided that this was not going to be his fate. He
determined that neither sickness nor disease, neither
torture nor the grief of his terrible losses would rob him
of what he termed the last of man’s freedoms - HIS ATTITUDE.
Amazingly he survived to become an even more prominent
Psychiatrist who spent the remainder of his life helping
countless people overcome whatever difficulties fate had
thrown at them. Victor Frank coined the phrase: “Everything
can be taken from a man but ...the last of the human
freedoms - to choose
one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose
one's own way." Whenever I find myself in a problematic
situation or one in which I feel trapped by my circumstance,
I remember Victor Frankls wisdom. I DO HAVE A CHOICE. I may
not like any of the choices available to me but I always
have the ability to change my attitude…and if all else
fails, that’s what I will do, because there is nothing else
I can do that makes sense. No-one can take away this last of
man’s freedoms…and whether we ascribe to this belief or not
is our choice. For anyone who is interested - Victor
Frankl’s book is called “Man’s Search for Meaning”.
(C) Sonja Ridden
2004
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