TABLE OF CONTENTS: 

1. Thought For The Month
2. Welcome Note  
3. IMPORTANT MESSAGE 
4. Topic Of The Month: TEN PRICELESS GIFTS FOR CHRISTMAS
5. Most Recent Articles
6. A Bit Of Fun

1.         THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH:  

Those of you who live in Australia have probably seen the TV ad that shows a series of items with price tags attached and a voice-over reading out the different prices. The last frame of the ad shows an image of a lovely and happy child with the voice-over, saying PRICELESS!  

Each time I see this ad (even though I have not the vaguest idea what it is advertising) I am reminded of how important it is to recognise the things in my life that have true value.

We all accept that Christmas carries a price tag.  It’s part of human nature to want to bless those we love with gifts….and giving is a wonderful thing!  However, those gifts that cost money, even though they bring much joy in the moment, will soon be forgotten but the gifts that come from the heart will remain forever.  

How many priceless gifts will you give this Christmas? 

2.      WELCOME NOTE:                          

To everyone, greetings and merry Christmas. To our new subscribers, an especially warm welcome to this month’s newsletter. We hope that you will find it informative, encouraging and inspiring. We want you to know that we respect your privacy and give you the assurance that your email addresses are kept completely confidential.  

We thank you for the privilege of allowing us into your inbox on a monthly basis. We love to connect with you this way. However, we also understand that circumstances sometimes necessitate a parting of the ways. Should this be the case for you, you can find our unsubscribe directions at the bottom of this newsletter. 

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3.    IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

As you all know, I've been attempting for a while to get a new, bigger and better site up and running for you. At first my attempts were hampered by my number 1 (web-savvy) stepson who'd initially thrown himself enthusiastically into the process of creating a great new site for me, buthalf-way through the process decided that it was too much work for him at this point in time. As I had little understanding of the massive amount of work involved in creating the type of site I'd envisioned, I was a bit put out about it all. Not easily deterred, however, Kirsten and I set about building a site by ourselves. Whilst Kirsten is a deft hand at this sort of thing, I am next to useless, which again hampered  progress. To cut a long story short, all the kafuffle around the new site issues helped me realise that I simply do not have enough time to serve you the way I ideally would like and this has caused me to enter communication and negotiation with a dear friend who also serves the same cause. Whilst we still have to agree on some specifics, it seems very likely that I will amalgamate my site with his in the not too distant future. I believe that taking this step will be the most useful and satisfying to both you and me as it would free me from the responsibilities of being a site-owner and therefore give me some extra time to be more attentive to your needs. Please stay tuned, I'll let you know where we go from here as soon as I am completely clear on this issue. In the meantime....just enjoy the newsletter!
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10 Priceless Gifts for Christmas 

Rushing through a beautifully decorated shopping centre the other day, I yet again became aware of the pressure so many of us put ourselves under at this time of year. Driven by expectation, tradition and even peer-pressure we battle through crowds in search of the ‘perfect’ Christmas gifts for those we love. This can be a difficult challenge in any family. In stepfamilies the challenge is even greater. Seeking to please children who are not your own; who may still be confused about your role in their lives; who may be upset about having to share Christmas day between two homes - can be very stressful….but you are determined to please! 

Wonderful! Pleasing others is a very important aspect of Christmas. Let’s not forget in the midst of our buying sprees, however, that while some gifts cost little money and others a lot, the most important and precious gifts any one of us can give are the gifts that are priceless.  

In the hope that you may choose to present your loved ones with at least some of them this Christmas, I’ve created a list of ten of these gifts for you. Here they are: 

1. THE GIFT OF ACCEPTANCE 

This Christmas why not spend some of your energy on just accepting things for what they are? Don’t wish (futilely) that your partner didn’t have an ‘ex’, didn’t have children already, didn’t have a tangible past. Instead accept that the partner’s ‘ex’ (nuisance as he or she may be) is part and parcel of the life you’ve chosen. That his (or her) kids are an extension of them, are part of them and therefore are part of your life (like it or not)…and that you might as well make the very best of it. Accept that your family isn’t now and never will be like the nuclear family next door, but that this doesn’t mean it can’t be a fabulous and happy family all the same. Yes, it means more effort. Yes, it means more tolerance, Yes, it also means more openness to changing, learning and growing, but isn’t that what a full and interesting life is all about? Accept that you haven’t chosen the traditional route, but recognize that your journey is no less worthwhile, exciting or rewarding because of that.  

We must accept life for what it actually is  -- a challenge to our quality without which we should never know of what stuff we are made, or grow to our full stature. (Ida R. Wylie) 

2. THE GIFT OF AFFECTION 

Kissing, giving a hug, a friendly smile, a warm look won’t cost you a cent and will make the recipient of these gifts feel warm, appreciated and loved. Okay, so you and your partner haven’t seen eye to eye on every issue in the last few days, weeks, months or years; your step kids aren’t the lovable creatures you had hoped they might be and things aren’t often going the way you would like them to. Well, great gifts aren’t always easy to give, however once presented they have magical powers. The gift of affection opens people’s hearts, helps them feel good about themselves and therefore makes it much easier for them to feel good about you. It helps them lay aside their grievances (even if it’s just for a time). You never know, it might even help them take a  little look at life from your perspective. It’s a powerful gift that blesses both giver and recipient.   

Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them. (Richard E Evans)  

3. THE GIFT OF LISTENING 

Ah, to listen well is indeed a gift. It means to be quiet whilst the other is speaking. It means to hear without interruption, judgment, self-defense, without drifting off into thinking about other things, without being busy preparing a response – it means to just listen……………. with your ears, your mind and your heart. Listening in this way tells the speaker that you value them; that you respect whatever they have to say; that you recognise and acknowledge the right they have to their opinion, even if (perchance) you should not agree. It tells the speaker that you wish to connect with them in a deeper and more meaningful way, that you are happy to place their need to express themselves before your own and that you are willing to consider carefully whatever they may say. Listening is a wonderful gift indeed.  

To listen without judgment is to give a gift of honour, respect and unconditional love. (Sonja Ridden) 

4. THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER 

Being a step-parent can be a difficult task. It may take so much of your energy that it might seem as though there is little time left for anything else. This makes laughter a particularly special gift. This Christmas, try to create as much fun for yourself and your stepfamily as you can possibly muster. Watch crazy movies, play some fun games, get everyone to tell stories that make you laugh. Remember that laughing is like medicine as was so beautifully portrayed in the movie ‘Patch Adams’ (did you see it?). Look at the healing power contained in laughter: It stops you from taking yourself and all your troubles (real as they may be) too seriously, it chases away the ‘blues’, helps you and those around you relax, it is therapeutic, enjoyable, contagious and….it makes you feel good.  

Fun is about as good a habit as there is. (Jimmy Buffet) 

5. THE GIFT OF APPRECIATION 

How about telling your partner right now: “Thanks honey, I am so glad you did that for me!”? It’s so easy to get hung up on everything that’s not working the way we want it to, to notice all the things that others don’t do right for us, to be annoyed, upset or critical of those around us. How often do we take the time and make the effort to pay attention to all the things that are right, good and positive in our lives. How often do we determine to thank those around us for all the little things that usually go unnoticed? If your partner kissed you ‘good bye’ this morning, your stepchild gave you an unexpected hug, one of your relatives phoned to see how you are....did you appreciate it? And even more importantly, did you say “thank you”? If your partner cleaned the porch, washed the dishes, took out the rubbish, brought you a bunch of flowers, did you show you appreciation? Well, if you haven’t done that as often as you’d like, now is a good time to start. Tell him/her how glad you are about having them in your life, for the way they care for you, for their love. Appreciation is like a plant, the more you water it, the more it grows. 

Focusing your attention  - daily and hourly – not on what is wrong, but on what we love and value, allows us to participate in the birth of a better future, ushered in by the choices we make each and every day. (Carol Pearson) 

6. THE GIFT OF FLEXIBILITY 

Flexibility is a virtue that’s greatly needed in stepfamilies. At Christmas time you may even be more conscious of this need than at any other time of the year. ‘Will she allow the kids to be at your house this Christmas, or not?’ ‘Is he going to make a fuss if you tell him that you want to take the kids to another state for the holidays?’ ‘Will the children be upset if you don’t celebrate Christmas the way they’ve been used to?’ ‘How can you incorporate their wishes with the way you’ve always done it?’ All these, and more,  may be questions that rumble around in your head. Flexibility doesn’t come easily to most people. If you are one of those I’d strongly recommend that it is amongst the gifts you intend to give to yourself. Flexibility will ensure that you survive the ‘ex’s’ craziness, take last minute changes, that would normally throw you right off track, in your stride and deal with all other sorts of difficulties that Christmas has a tendency of bringing along without loosing your cool. The gift of flexibility has another benefit as well – it will stand you in good stead for the remainder of your step-journey.  

Flexibility is one of the sweet rewards of one’s openness to learning, change and growth. (S. Ridden) 

7. THE GIFT OF KINDNESS 

It’s usually easy to be kind to those who are kind to you. Today I would challenge you, however, to try and be kind even to those who aren’t kind to you. This could be your stepchild/ren, your partner’s ‘ex’, your own ‘ex’, or anyone for that matter. I can almost hear you groan as I am writing this : “I couldn’t ever be kind to the ‘ex’”! Yes, I know it’s a tall order, but it can bring some wonderful rewards. Firstly the ‘ex’ might be so surprised by your different way of being or responding to him or her, that he/she might be stunned into civil behaviour. That alone will be worth the effort! It also pays to be kind to your stepchild/ren. Why? Because it helps them know that they are welcome in your home, models desirable behaviour, opens the door for them to be kind in return, proves their bio mum or dad wrong if they’ve told them what an awful, dreadful and nasty ogre you are and shows them that there are different ways of communicating and better ways of being.  

What we do today, right now, will have an accumulated effect on all our tomorrows. (Stoddard Alexandra)  

8. THE GIFT OF FORGIVENESS 

Forgiving seems to be one of the most difficult things to do. One of the reasons for this is the meaning we tend to attach to forgiveness. Some of those meanings might be:” If I forgive I am admitting that whatever they did wasn’t really their fault”; “it didn’t matter and didn’t really hurt me”;” they were right and I was wrong”; “I don’t have the right to be angry/upset/sad…..;, “it’s all my fault; etc. Naturally, attaching meanings like these to forgiveness makes forgiving s a very difficult and unpalatable task. In our step situation we usually find multitudes of things that require forgiveness, for instance: partners that don’t seem to understand and don’t support us the way we would like; wicked and vitriolic ‘ex’ partners; resentful step children; un-cooperative out-laws (oops, meant to say in-laws); non-understanding friends, etc. So, who’d want to forgive all of them? Well, if you wish to live your life purposefully, happily and filled with inner peace and joy the answer is: YOU! “Never” I hear you cry in disdain and I understand. After all, I’ve been there. I’ve battled those issues myself and have come across each one of those ‘demons’ along my step-journey. What I have learned in the process is that although forgiveness is a wonderful gift to give away, above all it is a gift you give to yourself. It miraculously blesses you in many ways. It sweeps from your heart the anger, hatred and rage you may be feeling. It frees you from the shackles that tie you to the ‘offender’ and, last but not least, it has the power to set you FREE.  

When we forgive, we perform a miracle hardly anyone notices, but when we forgive, we heal the hurt we never deserved. (L B Smedes) 

9. THE GIFT OF PEACE 

In our world peace is a precious commodity. Amidst the senseless tragedies that occur all over the globe, the difficulties we face in our own lives and the busyness that’s so much part of our daily existence, peace isn’t easy to come by. Remembering that we can only give away the things we possess ourselves, we need to ask the question: “How do we ensure that we have peace in our own hearts and lives?” No doubt, different people will come up with different answers. Some of you may find peace through their personal values others through their spiritual beliefs. Whatever may be true for you, just be sure that you don’t neglect this aspect of your life because the only way you can be calm in the midst of the storms that no doubt sometimes rage in your life, is through having a peaceful center. Once acquired, you are then equipped to give the gift of peace to those around you. Believe me, your stepfamily will benefit greatly from this gift.  

The cyclone derives its powers from a calm center, so does a person. (Norman Vincent Peale)   

10. THE GIFT OF LOVE 

Of all the gifts we can give at Christmas or at any other time of the year, the most perfect gift is the gift of love. Easier said than done? Absolutely, but isn’t it worth a try? It will also be easier to set into motion when you remember that every human being wants to, and indeed, needs to be loved.  And they not only need to be loved, but need the love to be unconditional. What does that mean? It means that they are loved whether they are good or bad, whether they are well behaved or not, whether they do what you want them to or not, whether they (in your opinion) deserve it or not. This may be a concept with which you are not familiar. It certainly isn’t what most of us have experienced in our own families. When you remember, however, that this concept - this need and indeed, hunger for unconditional love - is just as true for YOU as it is for the next person (your partner, stepchildren and every other person that’s part of your life) it puts a different light on the subject. If this kind of love hasn’t been part of your experience, it won’t come easily to you. All the same I’d encourage you to try because love is one of those special gifts that, once given, returns to you a-thousand-fold and will bless you (and all those who are the recipients of your love) more than any other gift.

 Love cures people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. (Dr. Karl Menninger) 

There are three things that remain – faith, hope and love – and the greatest of these is LOVE (Bible – 1 Cor 13:13) 

 5 .     MOST RECENT ARTICLES:  

To read our upcoming article titled “Have a “Splended” holiday season, click on the following link:
http://www.thestepstop.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=169

 To read our upcoming article titled ”Christmas, Stepfamily Style” click on the following link:
http://www.thestepstop.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=431 

To read our upcoming article titled “ Christmas – Tips To Reduce Stress” click on the following link:
http://www.thestepstop.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=748

 To read our article “Some Cures for Discouragement” click on the following link:
http://www.thestepstop.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=953&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

 6 .       A BIT OF FUN:

 AUSSIE JINGLE BELLS

Dashing through the bush in a rusty Holden ute,
Kicking up the dust, esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side, singing Christmas songs,
It's summer time and I am in my singlet, shorts and thongs.

CHORUS: Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summer's day.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden ute.

Engines getting hot, dodge the kangaroos,
Swaggy climbs aboard, he is welcome too.
All the family's there, sitting by the pool, Christmas day the Aussie way, by the barbecue.

CHORUS: Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summer's day.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden ute.

Come the afternoon, Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and uncle Bruce are swimming in their clothes,
The time has come round to go, we take a family snap,
Then pack the car and all shoot through
Before the washing up.

CHORUS: Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summer's day.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden ute.
 (Copyright ) Greg Champion and Colin Buchanan

  

 
TSS newsletter is created by Sonja Ridden ~ therapist ~ relationship coach ~ author ~ popular speaker ~
 founder of The Step Stop, Sydney’s first stop to stepfamily information, education & support

Copyright © Sonja Ridden 2005, all rights reserved.
Feel free to copy, forward or distribute TSS,

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web address: www.thestepstop.com 
e-mail: sonja@thestepstop.com

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