Commencing a step-partnership provides a wonderful chance at renewed happiness. Whether you've lost our former spouse through divorce or premature death has torn them from you, finding a new ‘love’ opens doors that are designed to lead to joy, satisfaction and lasting contentment. Unlike first marriages step-relationships, however, present a number of challenges that require special management skills. Whilst most people understand this in theory, when faced by it in practice they usually find out in a hurry that they were rather ill-prepared for its challenges.

Some years ago I lectured in Singapore on the challenges of blending families. Part of the program was an Open Forum, during which a number of beautiful step-couples had the opportunity to share of their personal experiences and made some powerful points on how to effectively manage different step-relationships. They graciously gave me permission to pass them on to you. In order to condense their information I took the liberty to change their points into a number of DON’T’s and DO’s and trust that the wisdom of these couples will be of benefit to YOU.

MANAGING THE COUPLE’S RELATIONSHIP:

MAINTAIN A STRONG COUPLE’S RELATIONSHIP

DON’T argue in front of the children as this will:

• Force them to take sides,
• stir up contention among siblings, and
• encourage manipulation.

DO ensure that you present a united front at all times.

REMOVE PSYCHOLOGICAL BARRIERS

Some people in stepfamily situations find that the word “step” presents a psychological barrier to their relationships.

DON’T use the word ‘step’ if this is true for you.
DO find a different word that describes your step-relationships and feels more acceptable to your stepchildren and/or to you.

CHOOSE EMPOWERING FRIENDSHIPS

You may have people in your life who don’t understand the challenges, complexities and joys of step-parenthood.

DON’T allow yourself to be affected by these people’s thinking or comments. Do not listen to those who have nothing constructive to say.
DO turn to the right people for help. The right people are those who are supportive and are neither critical nor cynical. Your focus and energy need to be on your stepfamily.

USE MANAGEMENT SKILLS

As your maternal instincts won’t work the same way with your stepchildren as they do with your own flesh and blood, it is not useful to rely on them in dealing with stepfamily challenges and concerns, so…

DON’T depend on your maternal instinct when confronted by a step-challenge.
DO learn and use management skills. They will be a more reliable help during difficult times.

CHALLENGE  YOUR EXPECTATIONS

Expectations can be a help or a hindrance. As we don’t have any real role models in the stepfamily arena, the expectations we may have of our partner, stepchildren and/or of ourselves may quite unrealistic.

DON’T make the mistake of assuming that your partner is aware of your expectations unless you have actually discussed them with him or her.
DO be sure to share your expectations, hopes and dreams with your spouse and be open to recognising any areas in which they may be unrealistic and may need to change.

AGREE ON PARENTING STYLE

DON’T just automatically use the parenting style you employ with your own children as this may be inappropriate to your step-situation.
DO agree with your spouse on the most appropriate parenting style. This will be the style with which you both feel comfortable.

MANAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR STEPCHILDREN:

KNOW YOUR ACCEPTABLE LIMITS AND BE YOURSELF

It’s important for most people to have a harmonious family environment.  In order to achieve this it is essential that you…

DON’T accept unacceptable behaviour. Stepchildren, just like all children, will test your limits and need to have a clear understanding of what these are.
DO ensure (with your partner’s assistance and support) that your stepchildren have a clear understanding of family rules and guidelines and that these are enforced.

THE BENEFITS OF BROWNIE POINTS

As your stepchildren may be wary of you at the beginning of your step-journey it’s important that you…

DON’T:

• Make too many changes that have a direct effect on their lives.
• Expect more from them than they can give (this could be more recognition, more affection, more consideration etc…..)
• Rush them as they are learning to accept you as an important person in their lives.

DO make a conscious effort to score brownie points by:

• Being considerate of them.
• Taking an interest in the things that interest them.
• Doing things with them that they find enjoyable.

REMEMBER THAT YOUR STEPCHILDREN ARE YOUR PARTNER’S FLESH AND BLOOD

Stepchildren don’t tug on your biological heart strings in the same way as your own child does. In all stepfamilies there are times when it’s vital to remember that, although the stepchildren aren’t your flesh and blood, they are the person’s you love – your partner’s.

DON’T forget this fact especially when you are in danger of running out of patience.
DO remember that the feeling of love for your own children is nature's way  - loving someone else’s children takes a lot of patience, positive vision and hope.

RESPECT AND APPRECIATION

All human beings respond to respect, appreciation, curtesy and kindness, so…

DON’T forget to be polite to your stepchildren. Be sure to say: “Please”, “Sorry” and “Thank you”!
DO praise them as much as you can – especially for acts of service and kindness.

FAIRNESS

DON’T forget that all children have an inbuilt sensor that detects fairness, therefore it is important that you ensure to ‘play fair’ and…
DO treat your biological and your stepchildren in similar ways.

DEALING WITH VERY YOUNG STEPCHILDREN:

In many ways dealing with very young stepchildren is easier than dealing with older ones. They are usually too small to struggle with loyalty conflicts, haven’t as yet become critical and generally respond well to kindness.

HAVE AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

The danger in step-situations, especially if we don’t have any previous parenting experience, can be that we expect more from a young child than he or she may be capable of giving. With young stepchildren it is important that you…

DON’T expect maturity that is beyond their age or an ability to do things they haven’t as yet been taught.
DO spend time playing with them.

CONSISTENCY

DON’T expect very young stepchildren to fall in step with your normal life style if it isn’t child-oriented.
DO act in consistent ways. Ensure that they have regular sleep and mealtimes. Be a predictable and stabilising factor in their lives.

MANAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR STEP-TEENS:

Step-teens can present a particular challenge, especially if you have not had experience with teens of your own.

TRUST AND RESPECT

DON’T be scared off by your step-teens aloofness, their ‘I don’t care’ behaviour or an apparent lack of interest.
DO remember that step-teens, like all teens, are going through a difficult life phase during which they are far more invested in separating than in connecting. To ‘win’ your step-teens you need to create trust and give them lots of respect.

RELATING AS AN INDIVIDUAL

In order to create trust and respect with your step-teen it is important that they get to know you as the individual you are. This necessitates that you…

DON’T be their biological parent’s mouth piece but instead…
DO let them know that you have a mind of your own.  Share your ideas, thoughts and feelings with them and allow them to share theirs with you.

FORGING A CONNECTION

DON’T expect your step-teens to turn to you when they need a helping hand or a listening ear, but if you…
DO consistently show them your sincerity and genuine interest, especially when they are in times of need they may, in time, accept and appreciate your help.

Remember that actions speak louder than words!

MANAGING YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD/REN IN THE STEPFAMILY:

NEEDS

DON’T forget that your biological children need your love, time and attention as much as your stepchildren do.
DO remember to constantly reassure your biological children of your love and affection.

TIME

DON’T allow yourself to become so overwhelmed with the responsibilities of your stepfamily that you have no time left for your own children.
DO make time for them to:

• Take them out for special meals – e.g. dinner for just the two of you.
• Make special play time with them – perhaps whilst the other children are at school.

Do more of what you used to do before your child/ren became part of the stepfamily - e.g. pat them to sleep, talk special ‘baby talk’ to them, give them lots of hugs and kisses.

GOODWILL

DON’T expect maturity beyond their years from your biological children. They may not yet understand concepts of sharing and caring and might simply want all of you for themselves.
DO find ways of explaining and showing them that you have enough love for everyone in the family. Help them understand that the more love you give the more it grows and that love is something that can never be exhausted.

BENEFITS

DON’T expect your biological children to automatically see and embrace the benefits of your remarriage.
DO point out to them the good things that have resulted from your remarriage, such as:

• Gaining a loving step-parent.
• Having more opportunities to go to soccer - or other games; swimming with stepbrothers and sisters.
• Gaining step-siblings to play and to talk with.
• Having more family outings.

Sonja's book Hell...p! I'm A Stepmother takes an honest look at the experience of stepparenting and shares aspects of her own challenging step-journey. Her Step By Step Booklet Series explores the pitfalls of step-relationships (step-couple, step-children and ex partners) and addresses how to best manage them. FOR OUR SPECIAL PRE-CHRISTMAS OFFER ON THESE BOOKLETS click here

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