Book Review excerpts – CAPA

The title says it all. This directly written book pulls no punches – to be a stepmother is to confront the elemental emotions.  It’s hard not to warm to an approach which so normalises the frequent desperation of what the role demands. While still in her twenties, Sonja Ridden became the stepmother of the two young sons of her new husband, before going on to have two boys of her ‘own’. She is quite upfront about the cauldron of feelings she experienced – ‘I deeply empathises with the ‘wicked stepmother’ in the story of Hansel and Gretel, convince that life without my stepchildren would be all that I desired’ (p.62).

Ridden is equally affirming of the many unexpected riches of step-parenting (elusive as they may so often seem!) She aims to provide a ‘roadmap’ to what is invariably extremely rocky terrain, and openness regarding the toll the journey can take is part of the manual. But her candour regarding the ‘costs’ of being a stepmother is consistently leavened by the empathy she conveys, and by the many practical hints she provides for lightening the load.

The format of the book facilitates the diversity of topics she considers…. Each chapter begins with a brief personal commentary, ends with a block of highlights ‘Hints’, and contains quotations from some of the author’s many clients (who generously gave permission for their input to be included).  There is a ‘Helpful Services’ section at the end of the book, which features a range of groups, organisations and websites…

“Hell…p!, I’m a stepmother” addresses some extremely challenging material, as well as providing a range of practical suggestions. The chapter on ’anger’ in particular (and not coincidentally, since the author is so refreshingly honest about ‘taboo’ emotions) seemed to me to be exceptionally good. Ridden’s provision of questions to assist recognition of anger is likely to be very helpful. As her book contends (and as Oaklander’s work on child therapy also testifies) expression of anger in children are often the cover for the primary feeling. It is another strength of Ridden’s account that she shows the applicability of this point to adults as well.

Here is where the seeming simplicity of her approach belies the more challenging point - while intellectually the stepmother may not need to be reminded that her ‘instant’ children are not necessarily rejecting HER, it would be exceedingly hard to feel this in the moment, particularly when her adult ambivalence and defence mechanism surrounding anger are ignited. Feelings of anger towards the biological mother of the children (who, in Ridden’s case, ‘disappeared’ and didn’t resurface for fourteen years!) are another pertinent instance of where the ‘pointer’ provided could be very valuable. Says on the clients quoted, ‘Forget the wicked stepmother, it’s the mother that is the wicked on in our case and it makes me so mad, I want scratch her eyes out!’ (p. 117)

Though primarily directed to the stepmother (and as Ridden conveys, a powerful gender politics is operative in the very word!) another strength of her book is that she does not neglect the often beleaguered stepfather, who, like his new spouse, is wrestling with the pull of his own internal dynamics. To the extent that acknowledging unwelcome feelings – and particularly the primary ones – is the first step to addressing their potentially problematic power, Ridden’s constant normalising of the vortex of emotion ALL members of stepfamilies face is a valuable service in itself.

‘Hell…p!, I’m a stepmother” unequivocally illustrates the author’s contention that ‘step mothering is no Sunday picnic’ (p. 16). But in sketching the outlines of a more sanity-inducing approach to it, Ridden amply illustrates as well the depth and richness of so challenging an experience.

Pam Stavropoulos
As printed in the CACA’s Newsletter – August 2002
CAPA  is the Counsellors & Psychotherapist Association of New South Wales