Assertiveness - a learnable communication skill

Continuing from last week’s topic of assertiveness, we’ll look at some essential assertiveness skills today.

1. Respect yourself

You are valuable, have something to offer and have a right to your opinion.

State your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and needs in an honest, non-apologetic and direct way. Do not expect others to share them and realise that whether others agree or is no a measure of your worth.

They are just as valuable as you. They have something to offer and have an equal right to their opinion.

Listen to and weigh the other’s opinion carefully. Although you have the right to agree or disagree with what they are saying, they have just is much right as you to verbalise their thought, feelings, beliefs and needs.

3. Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses

Acknowledge the things you do well and don’t underestimate the value of something that comes to you easily.

Acknowledge the things you don’t do well. Realise that you can’t - and don’t have to - be good at everything. There is no shame in admitting that you aren’t perfect.

4. Express anger appropriately

Anger is a normal human emotion and it usually isn’t the feeling of anger that causes problems but the way it is expressed.

Here are a few tips on how to express anger appropriately:

• Speak up rather than assuming that the other person is able to read your mind.
• Discuss only the issue at hand and resist the temptation to bring up all other issues that have annoyed you over time.
• Stay calm.
• Avoid name-calling and any other expression of hostility.
• Discuss solutions and, where appropriate, compromise. Example: “It really inconveniences me if you consistently arrive late. Would it help if we changed our meeting schedule?”
  
• Always seek a win/win outcome.

5. Let your ‘yes’ be a ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ be a ‘no’.

Only say ‘yes’ to things that you are prepared to do.
Practice saying ‘no’ to requests that don’t meet this criterion.

To differentiate between assertive behaviour and selfishness, please go to my article entitled Boundary Misconceptions.

Strategies for saying ’no’:

• Adopt an assertive body posture. Stand tall, make eye contact and show a friendly facial expression.
• Decide on your position before you speak. If you are not sure of an appropriate response to someone’s request, don’t give one. Instead say: “I’ll think about it and get back to you.”
• Wait for the question. Don’t leap to a premature response! Example: A work colleague says: “Gosh, I don’t know how I’ll get it to work tomorrow - my car is being repaired at the moment”. Resist the urge to offer a ride in your car until:
• (a) you’ve actually been asked and
• (b) until you’ve had a chance to think through the practicality of making such an offer.
• Decide on your wording. Don’t just think about what you are going to say but also how you are going to say it.
• Give a clear answer. Beating around the bush only causes confusion and leaves a great deal of room for misunderstandings and ill feelings.
• Don’t ask permission to say ‘no’. You have as much right to say ‘no’ as you have to say ‘yes’. If you ask permission as in: “Gee, I sure hope you don’t mind if I say ‘no”, this communicates to the other person that you consider THEM to be in charge of YOUR behaviour.
• Don’t apologise unless appropriate. An apology suggests that the other person was entitled to requesting whatever  you are saying ‘no’ to.
• Avoid defending yourself or making excuses unless these are appropriate. Your excuses may encourage the other person to help you find a way. Example: “If you aren’t able to give me a lift today because (whatever excuse you have given), then what about tomorrow??
• Confirm your position. Don’t expect people to accept your refusal the first time you turn them down. They’ll hang tough, especially if they have been accustomed to you saying ‘yes’ to every previous request. Be prepared that they might pressure you or attempt to manipulate you. Be sure to remain firm in your refusal.
• The broken record technique. You don’t have to find a  dozen ways of saying ‘no’. If necessary, just say the same thing over and over. ‘No, I am not willing to do that.’
• Don’t wait for approval or acceptance. There is no need to convince others to accept, approve or agree with your refusal.
• Accept the consequences. You have the right to say ‘no’ but others have the right not to like it. Others are entitled to think of you whatever they will. They might consider you unkind, selfish, inconsiderate and unreasonable. When you say ‘n’o, be prepared for other’s negative reaction.

The read more articles of the Assertiveness Series click on the titles below:

The Importance of Assertiveness