Assertiveness Cautions

Having discussed in the last couple of posts the importance of assertiveness and how you can go about learning vital assertiveness skills, it is now important that you become aware of some assertiveness cautions:

Caution 1: EXPECT RESISTANCE WHEN YOU FIRST START BEING ASSERTIVE:

When you become assertive, you start taking control of your own life. This means that you are taking control back from the people you have either given it to or have allowed to take it from you. As this will be new and unexpected for them they may initially resist this process. Although this will be uncomfortable for you and possibly will shake your determination, remember that the only person who SHOULD be in control over you is YOU and that you are doing no more than taking back what was meant to be yours all along.

Super Caution: If someone in your life has a history of violence with others and/or has been violent towards you in the past, do not attempt this without the assistance of a trusted and/or skilled helper.

Caution 2: WHEN YOU START BEING ASSERTIVE, THINGS OFTEN GET WORSE BEFORE THEY GET BETTER:

If you have been compliant and passive in the past, others may find your new behaviour unsettling and perhaps even threatening. They may accuse you of being uncaring, disloyal and selfish. They may tell you that you are hurting them, might try to 'send you on a guilt trip' and might even threaten you in some way. As your new behaviour creates changes in your relationships that others are not yet accustomed to, they often get worse before they get better.

Caution 3: ONLY SET LIMITS THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO BACK-UP WITH ACTION:

Setting limits that you are unwilling or unable to defend will merely achieve that others will not take your attempts at assertiveness seriously. Don’t say things such as “I’ll leave you, never speak to you again, ground you for 3 months, quit my job….” unless you really mean it and are prepared to back this up with your actions.

Caution 4: DON’T START GETTING ASSERTIVE WHEN YOU ARE STRESSED TO THE MAX:

Remember that things will get more difficult before they’ll get easier when you first become assertive. Don’t start your assertiveness journey at a time when you are feeling especially fragile, particularly vulnerable or super stressed. You will need all your strength to resist the pressure.

Caution 5: DON’T BACK DOWN:

Be prepared that the people with whom you’ve become more assertive will push against your new boundaries. When they turn up the pressure the temptation for you to back down and give in could be overwhelming. It is vital that you do not  give in as this will only give the message "you aren't serious”, “if I push hard enough you’ll cave in”, nothing's really changed, you are just a walkover”.

Caution 6: DON’T BECOME ASSERTIVE WITH EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE AT ONCE:

When you first start to become assertive, begin with the “safe” people in your life. Move on to the more difficult ones as you gain more confidence in your own abilities and strengths. Do not try and become assertive with everyone at once.

Stay tuned for our next post in which we will take a look at how to achieve WIN/WIN outcomes.