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THE VALUE OF EMOTIONAL SAFETY
You might believe that you are in love when you can't keep
your eyes off the object of your desire, when your heart
beats twice as fast each time you think of him or her, when
you feel like a thousand dollars in his or her presence and
when you simply can't wait for the first intimate encounter.
But is this really love? Dr. Rosie King, a lady who is
renowned for her studies in sexual health, calls this
experience 'limerance' and describes it as a hormonally
induced state that occurs when 'boy meets girl'. There is no
doubt that this is a wonderful and exciting condition that
feels awfully good. But is it love? Relationship experts say
'no'. It's an experience that leaves almost as quickly as it
comes. As the hormones settle, as we start to get to know
the other person warts and all, as life continues to
relentlessly pound us with its challenges and wears us down
with its daily grind, the state of 'limerance' quickly gives
way to stark reality, which can turn our feelings into rapid
disillusionment. This is usually the point at which the
question arises: "Why did I fall in love with this person?"
What happens next will largely depend on the answer to this
question. If the couple feel connected by something deeper
and of greater substance than 'limerance', they then have
the opportunity to step up to a different and far more
meaningful level - commitment. Commitment means making an
internal vow to stay with the program, to resist the desire
to give up when the going gets tough, to make the decision
to work at the relationship and to give it one's best.
Commitment is the foundation for emotional safety.
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL SAFETY?
Emotional safety is a relationship climate in which it is
possible to show all of yourself - the good, the bad and the
ugly - to another person. It is a climate in which you know
that it's okay to be open and honest, to share your
thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, ideas, hopes, dreams,
expectations and fears. It's a climate that enables you to
be who you are whilst allowing you, at the same time, to
develop, grow and change into the person you desire to be.
It's a climate of unconditional support.
Emotional safety is a
two-way street that requires willingness and effort from
both parties. It's something that can only be developed over
time and is made up of a number of ingredients.
INGREDIENTS FOR EMOTIONAL SAFETY
Acceptance
means accepting the other person for who they are. It means
not being threatened by the partner's individuality and/or
their differences.
Honesty means speaking
the truth whether it is comfortable or not, whether it is
convenient or not, whether it feels good or not.
Openness means being
able to 'hear' the truth even if we'd rather remain ignorant
and to consistently make the choice not to react
defensively.
Trust is something
that develops as a result of feeling safe in the knowledge
of the partner's honesty, dependability and integrity.
Communication is the
channel through which we connect with another person. It's
the means by which we discover who our partner really
is, share your thoughts and feelings, our personal likes,
dislikes, ideas, values, beliefs and interests as well as
what we will and won't accept - in other words, show the
other person who wereally are.
Conflict resolution skills
- How safe do you feel with someone who seems to be in
constant competition with you, who turns every conflict into
a power struggle and seems unable to admit to their faults,
weaknesses and vulnerabilities? My guess is, not at all!
Conflict resolution skills are essential for the development
of emotional safety.
Tolerance. Who is
perfect? To happily co-exist with ANYBODY requires
tolerance. Tolerance means not getting too hyped up about
the other person's shortcomings.
Forgiveness We can
only feel safe and secure in an environment in which making
mistakes is not considered a criminal offence. Any healthy
relationship requires heavy doses of forgiveness.
Destroyers of emotional
safety
Selfishness
- Making everything - or considering everything to be -
about you.
Not taking personal
responsibility - Blaming your partner for everything
that isn't working in the relationship.
Power struggles
- Feeling that you must 'win' each argument, must get your
own way, must be right at all costs and act accordingly.
Lack of personal
boundaries - Allowing your partner to walk all over
you OR considering it your personal right to walk all over
your partner.
Fear of conflict
- Inability to tackle tough relationship issues.
Lack of communication
- Not giving your partner information about you - your
thoughts and feelings, likes, dislikes, ideas, values,
beliefs, interests, what you will and won't accept - in
other words, what makes you tick.
For a more in-depth
explanation of the meaning and importance of emotional
safety in relationships,
click hereand
enjoy the interview I recently did on this subject. |
SERVICES
Counselling
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Coaching
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Corporate
Click here for Information
UPCOMING WORKSHOPS
No courses, workshops or seminars will be held for the
remainder of this year.
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RELATIONSHIP
ARTICLES
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Dealing with
Conflict - yuck!
click here
Marriage/Partnership
Difficulties Explored
click here
Tackling Conflict in
Families
click here
WORKSHOP INFORMATION
click here
These workshops will be on
offer again in 2008
WORDS OF WISDOM
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Intimacy means that we can be
who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to
do the same. "Being who we are" requires that we can talk
openly about things that are important to us, that we take a
clear position on where we stand on important emotional
issues, that that we clarify the limits of what is
acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship. "Allowing
the other person to do the same" means that we can stay
emotionally connected to that other party who thinks, feels
and believes differently, without needing to change,
convince, or fix the other." (Harriet Goldhor Lerner, PhD)
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BOOK RECOMMENDATION
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THE DANCE OF INTIMACY
A woman's guide to courageous
acts of change in key relationships
by Harriet G Lerner, PhD This
excellent exploration of intimacy, which is a major
component of emotional safety, is described as 'a wise and
compassionate book that will teach the reader much about the
complex emotions our family and love relationships
engender.' To purchase this book,
click here
********************************* IMPORTANT INFORMATION
********************************* Sonja will be overseas
from September 14th until October 19th, 2007. Her practice
will re-open on Monday, October 22nd, 2007.
*********************************
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CONTACT DETAILS:
Sonja Ridden
331 Mona Vale Road
Terrey Hills NSW 2084 |
