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THE VALUE OF ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED AND WANT
Do you find it easy to ask for what you need and want or do
you stumble over your words as soon as you open your mouth?
Do you feel that it's okay to let others know your desires
or does it cause you stress to do so? Do you expect people
to listen and respond with understanding when you verbalise
your needs and/or wants or do you feel really nervous about
how they might react?
THE CHALLENGE OF ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED OR WANT
What makes it difficult to ask for what we need or want?
Well, for some of us it's the conscious or subconscious
memories of how this used to work for us in the past. If we
were consistently invalidated (you don't need really
need/want this!), judged (nothing is ever enough for
you, is it?), belittled (only idiots ask for
something like that) or ridiculed ((whatever do you
want that for, you wouldn't know what to do with it
anyway!) when we made our requests we might have
developed a real fear of asking for anything and might even
have perfected an I don't need anybody's help!
attitude. If we frequently got a 'yes but later'
response and found that whatever was promised rarely
happened, we might now take an I might just as well do
it myself position. If asking for anything spelled
danger, embarrassment, ridicule or constant disappointment,
then you'll most likely need to jump over quite a few
internal hurdles each time you are tempted to do so now.
Finding the courage to speak up for your legitimate needs
and wants and learning the art of asking, however, is really
important because how else are others to know???
When I work with couples I
often discover that they carry an entrenched belief that
their partner should know their desires, preferences and
expectations and then suffer painful disappointment,
disillusionment and anger when it turns out that they don't.
Making veiled references doesn't seem to do the trick
either. In fact, this frequently causes even more confusion.
How often do we catch ourselves asking something like:
Aren't you cold? when we are the ones who are doing the
shivering, instead of saying: Would you please close the
window, I am cold!, or saying such things as You and
I haven't spent any time together for ages instead of
Could we plan for a weekend together before the end of this
month?The saddest thing about making requests in such a
roundabout way is that we usually don't achieve what we are
after and then feel unloved, not understood or plain
rejected when the truth of the matter is that we simply
haven't made our need or want clear.
THE ART OF ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED OR WANT
Ask the right person
- Be sure that you make your request of the person who can
supply what you need or want. Talking to anyone else about
it, like complaining to your girl-friend about what you are
wanting your husband to do, doesn't achieve much.
Ask with a positive
expectation - Expectations aren't things that can be
seen but they can be sensed. People with positive
expectations tend to exude something that makes us want to
please them, whist people with negative expectations have an
opposite effect and often experience rejection as a result
of their negative attitude.
Make a clear request -
If you want to try out the new Thai Restaurant for your
night out, don't tell your partner I don't care where we
go for dinner. Instead, let them know clearly what you
want. If you are after a raise, don't just drop vague hints
hoping that your boss might pick up on them. If when going
to the movies with your friend you feel like seeing a comedy
rather than a drama, tell them so.
Be specific - Specific
requests are more likely to achieve the outcome you want,
especially when your are requesting certain behaviours. If
you are after a helping hand in the house, let the person
you are requesting the help from know:I'd like you to
empty the dishwasher, feed the dog and set the table for
dinner tonight and every night from hereon in.
Say what you want, not
what you don't - Have you ever caught yourself yelling
in exasperation: Why do you always...? or Why
don't you ever..., or Why can’t you...? These are
the upside-down requests we tend to make in moments of
frustration. Unfortunately they don't work. A much better
approach is to say: Please remember to ...!
Ask in the right way:
* Use a calm and even tone of
voice (shouting rarely gets people where they want to go!)
* Use respectful language (no
shaming, blaming, no manipulating or sending the other on a
guilt trip).
* Give an 'out' if
appropriate. You could say, for instance: Please feel
free to say no if it doesn't suit you, but I am wondering
whether you could help me to...
Remember that you have
every right to ask for what you need or want but also
remember that the person you ask has a right to make their
reply. Just like you should feel free to ask, they should
feel free to say 'yes' or 'no' in response to your request.
If the answer to your
request is 'no' be sure that you:
* Don't take it personally -
most likely it wasn't intended as a rejection.
* Behave appropriately -
don't shout, withdraw, tell the person off, cry or behave in
any way that's motivated by getting them back.
* If appropriate, ask 'why?'.
* And then, if it seems like
an appropriate option, negotiate!
Even if you need to jump over
hurdles in order to make your requests known, do yourself a
favour and put on those jumping shoes. And please don't let
the occasional hiccup slow you down. You won't be able to
'win them all' but there is a kernel of truth in the saying:
Good things come to those who wait, better things come to
those who hustle and I would add to this quote: You
can't rely on anything you want or need coming to you if you
don't have the courage ask for it! |
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WORDS OF WISDOM
The worst thing that one can do is not try, to be aware of
what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in
silent hurt wondering if something could have
materialized...and never knowing. (David Viscott - American
Author, Speaker & Trainer}
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Rather than wishing for
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Only those who ask for more
can get more and only those who know there is more, ask.
(Alan Cohen)
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