Self Awareness

ANGER

As anger is part of the human experience, there isn’t one of us who has never felt this emotion. Whilst not everyone feels angry about the same things and we all tend to express it in different ways, we are all familiar with the feelings of anger. Whatever the cause, it is important to recognise that anger is not a bad or unacceptable emotion but a warning signal indicating that something in our internal household is not as it should be.

Anger that we feel in response to someone’s wrong-doing, someone hurting us or our loved ones is a valuable sign that something is happening that isn’t right. This type of anger can be extremely valuable in that it can sufficiently motivate us to do something to change the situation.

Anger that arises without legitimate provocation is always an over-reaction to an event. It tells us that we need to look behind the scenes to find out what’s going on within. Frequently, anger is no more than the blanket we use to cover a variety of feelings, such as feelings of failure, rejection, insecurity, guilt or a sense of helplessness. Most often we are not consciously aware of these emotions that are hidden by the mask of anger. Much precious emotional energy can be wasted on feeling angry, when the area in which our energy would far better be expended would be in discovering ways of dealing with our REAL emotions.

Anger appropriately expressed also helps harness our energy. This, however, can be a lot easier said than done, as many of us have been raised with the belief that anger is a bad or unacceptable emotion, whilst others (usually whose caregivers’ anger had been out of control) are terrified of any signs of anger. Yet others let loose tirades of rage they consider to be ‘their right and privilege’, not realising or simply not caring about the damage they cause to those around them. If we do not have an awareness of these dynamics we may find ourselves faced with feelings of chaos, confusion and guilt that can result from an unexpected angry outburst or from those volcanic feelings we harbour within. The following questions provide important clues about how you handle your anger.

In response to something that offends you, infuriates you or you do not like:

Do you seethe inwardly but smile on the outside?
Do you tell yourself that you have no right to feel this way?
Do you scream and rage at anyone unfortunate enough to be near you?
Do you become ‘cold’ towards the offending person?
Do you smile at the person who caused your anger and then get back at them in some other way?
Do you feel guilty for feeling angry?
Do you worry about losing control?
Are violent?
Do you drown your anger in alcohol, stuff it down with food or escape it through drugs?
Do you never get angry at all?
Do you displace your anger? This happens when you find yourself screaming at the kids or kicking the cat after encountering someone to whom you felt you couldn’t say what you wanted.

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you can enhance your own emotional health as well as the health and happiness of your relationships by embracing different ways of dealing with your angry feelings.

However you may choose to deal with your anger, just remember that anger - in and of itself - is not the problem. It only becomes a problem if you choose to ignore the feelings (pretending they don’t exist), disown them (‘making’ me feel this way is someone else’s fault) or unleash them in inappropriate ways (violating someone physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually).

It is vital that you take responsibility for your anger. This is particularly important as you can only EVER change the things you recognise as being within your personal power and control. YOUR ANGER IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS! No-one outside yourself can force you to feel anything, not even anger! Talking through your anger with the offending person or talking about the issue with a good listener may help. And be sure that you get rid of the anger energy. This could be achieved by going for a run, scrubbing the floor or digging the garden. Some people find a vigorous workout at the gym, kickboxing or playing squash helpful in releasing their tension.

If you find that your anger was inappropriate, don’t send yourself on a guilt trip. Instead, say ‘sorry’. If you had good reason for feeling the way you did, work the problem out with the ‘offending’ person….and then, let it go!